5 Ways to Empower Her Without Enabling

As sisters in Christ, sometimes we are called to difficult iron-sharpening-iron moments that we might too often avoid out of discomfort or fear of rejection. But, by ignoring something God has given us the discernment to perceive, often we become enablers when we could empower.

Maybe she’s bashing her boss, and you don’t entirely blame her because you used to work for him and you know he’s difficult. But the Holy Spirit is pricking you to not condone her disrespect for authority. Don’t let her fall prey to the devil winning that victory in her life. So you stay quiet and don’t join in, but you don’t stop her either. And you hope that by nodding your head you’re not guilty of egging her on in something that’s far from holy.

Or maybe it’s a tv show she’s in love with and you’re halfway drawn in by the drama she’s recounting to you, but it’s glorifying a hedonistic lifestyle and is anything but what a Christian ought to be indulging in. So, you mumble something about how you’ll have to check it out and quickly change the subject, but inside you figure yeah I probably should’ve said something about it.

Listen, we’re not so holy and never guilty of doing these very same things, or worse, ourselves. But can we expect our friends to speak Truth to us and lovingly approach us in our sinful pleasures if we are not willing to take the hard step for them? We need friendships built on faithful, loving stands for Truth. Not against each other, but beside each other. We need friendships that transform us into the likeness of God, not enable us in our less than holy ways.

We do not need more “holier-than-thou-high horse-finger-pointing Christians”, but Christians who love enough to engage and empower rather than emulate and enable. We need girls who are walking in the Spirit so they have discernment, humility, and a genuine love for God and His people to spur one another on in love and good works. We need girls willing to love like Jesus, even when it means confrontation. How can we be women that empower Christlikeness rather than enable less than holy habits? Maybe these five things are a place to start.

Prayer. Get the power of God behind your words and actions. (James 5:16) We must be faithfully praying for our friends, family, and acquaintances. But, just as Nehemiah sent up a “flare prayer” we too can cry out to God in the moment when we see an area in a brother or sister in Christ’s life that does not line up with God’s Word. If it seems appropriate, ask to pray with them. Not for God fix them or the problem you see, but to come along side her in seeking Him. Furthermore, after the conversation is complete, continue to shower her in prayer and let the Holy Spirit do a work with the seed you have planted. Sometimes, prayer is all we can do, if the timing is not right to say anything and be properly received. Prayer is never our last resort, but our most powerful action and resource.

Listen. (James 1:19) Be quick to hear and slow to speak. Let her know you hear her. Don’t rush to respond. Never cut her off. Don’t think of your response while she’s talking. Listen. We show we care in this way, and she will be more likely to listen to your response.

Ask questions. In Mark chapter 8, Jesus asked 16 questions. Over and over in the gospels, we read questions Jesus asks. In fact, sometimes he answered questions with questions. There’s wisdom in that. Questions appeal to the heart, statements appeal to the will. Try asking her questions like “Wow, you seem really frustrated, why are you feeling this way?” “I see it means a lot to you, what is it you receive from doing this action that you value most?” “What a hard decision, do you think the Bible has anything to say about this situation?” “I definitely see where you’re coming from, can we pray together about this fear?” “That is really tough, is there any way you can you see God at work in this?” How we word our questions reflect how well we listen, and how much of God’s Word is hidden in our heart. Let the Holy Spirit lead you as you purpose to prick at the heart of your friend by asking thought-provoking questions.

Speak Truth. Don’t just give advice or your opinion. Be able to back up all you say with the Bible. You do not have to quote it. Although a few times Jesus quoted a verse from the Old Testament, like when he was being tempted in the wilderness, he mostly spoke in parables. He told stories that revealed a Biblical principle. Perhaps it’s a story from our personal experience, a simple statement from a book or something we learned, or maybe a question that might lead them to recalling a Biblical principle applicable to them at this time. Often times, all that is needed is a short response reminding them “life is messy” or recalling a certain blessing in their life or a characteristic of Jesus that is encouraging in the moment. They may never be aware of how we steer a conversation or their perspective and actions away from the flesh and toward Jesus, and that’s just the way we want it to be. And remember, she is far more likely to hear the Truth when it is delivered in a “me too” approach rather than a wagging finger. We’re all imperfect, and we all need grace.

Be choosy. Listen, sometimes we meet people who are at different stages in their walks with God and we may see a whole gamut of things they could be doing better. This is when we have to rely on the Holy Spirit’s leading. Do not take it upon yourself to point out or fix everything your sister in Christ may be doing wrong. That is not our place. But when we are directly involved in witnessing or partaking in something that clearly does not glorify God, then we are called to say something. Maybe she’s being negative, and dishonest, and tardy. Have a little grace. Let the Holy Spirit give you discernment on which (if any) to point out to her. And even then, pray for timing. Evaluate how it may come across to her. But when we feel the Holy Spirit tugging at our hearts to not stay silent and enable, Lord help us to be courageous and loving enough to come beside her to address and overcome the problem together. May we be women that empower, not enable.